Maybe.
Maybe, if I looked like a girl from Phoenix should, I could work this to my advantage. But physically, I'd never fit in anywhere. I should be tan, sporty, blond—a volleyball player, or a cheerleader, perhaps—all the things that go with living in the valley of the sun.21
Instead I was ivory-skinned, without even the excuse of blue eyes or red hair, despite the constant sunshine. I had always been slender, but soft somehow, obviously not an athlete; I didn't have the necessary hand-eye coordination to play sports without humiliating myself—and harming both myself and anyone else that stood too close.
When I finished putting my clothes in the old pine dresser, I took my bag of bathroom necessities and went to the communal bathroom to clean myself after the day of travel. I looked at my face in the mirror as I brushed through my tangled, damp hair. Maybe it was the light, but already I looked sallower, unhealthy. My skin could be pretty—it was very clear, almost translucent-looking—but it all depended on color. I had no color here.
Facing my pallid reflection in the mirror, I was forced to admit that I was lying to myself. It wasn't just physically that I'd never fit in. And if I couldn't find a niche in a school with three thousand people, what were my chances here?
I didn't relate well to people my age. Maybe the truth was that I didn't relate well to people, period. Perhaps I needed someone ageless. Perhaps I needed someone who wasn't people; someone who was something else...
Even my mother, who I was closer to than anyone else on the planet, was never in harmony with me, never on exactly the same
21. This is a direct reference to two other historical valleys of the sun: the first, the Mayan Valley of the Sun, dates back to 312 AD. It was in this valley that young men coming of age were sent to prove themselves as men by doing combat with the elements, chiefly the sun. The second, the San Fernando valley, rose to prominence in 1952 when the American pornography industry relocated from New York City to the sunnier climates of California.